Today marks twelve weeks and three days since giving birth to my baby boy, and boy has it been a roller coaster ride. I am not sure if the second time around has been harder or if I am just more in tune with what is happening in my body and mind, but the baby blues hit me hard this time. After having my daughter I remember a distinct feeling of loneliness that I chalked up to being at home with my infant rather than going into an office each day, but I never really felt the full on baby blues. I wasn't surprised by the baby blues this time because I had heard that it was very common, even if you didn't have it after your first birth, but I was surprised how low it took me. I am writing this post in an effort to bring light to the reality of postpartum life and awareness about what new moms can do as well as the type of support that can be helpful during this big transitional period. As you read this post it's important to remember every woman's experience is different, this is just my story. If a woman doesn't start feeling like herself within the first month after having a baby, she may need to seek help from a health care professional as she may be dealing with postpartum depression and may need more assistance.
The first couple of days in the hospital were a whirlwind of pure bliss and complete overwhelm. That first night after delivery was like being a brand new mom all over again. Since my husband took my daughter home to sleep in her own bed and have as normal of a night as possible, I was by myself with this new little life, afraid to fall asleep in fear that my baby would stop breathing. My stitches from the tear I endured while giving birth stung and the thirst I felt was like I had walked across the desert with no canteen. The nurse couldn't fill my giant mug up enough and every time she entered the room I asked if she could bring me more water with the good, crunchy ice. Because I couldn't sleep for fear of rolling onto or dropping this tiny body that lay so peacefully on me, I laid awake with a feeling of loneliness I can't quite describe. The next day was a maelstrom of utter exhaustion, hospital staff visits, and communicating with the many family members excited to share in the news of this precious person entering the world. Tests were run and the circumcision was done. Afterwards, both my husband and I questioned our decision to circumcise and doubt and sadness crept in. The doubt in decision making is one of the most difficult things I face as a parent. I just want to do what is best by my child and sometimes the answers aren't so clear. Again, he left at the end of the night as we had planned but I now know that was the wrong decision because in my hormonal and drained state, I was sad and scared. I was scared to be alone in this journey and wasn't able to quite get the words out. The next day, I went home and tried to sleep without much luck but was blessed with my mother helping me with my toddler so I could at least rest with my new babe. Nursing seemed to relax me (which makes sense since breastfeeding releases oxytocin- a happy chemical in your brain). I also made the decision to encapsulate my placenta. An interesting choice, I know, but I do believe the placenta capsules helped my mood when I would take them. Theoretically, this should help balance hormones and replenish nutrients in the body since the placenta is so nutrient rich. I wasn't able to find any clear cut research on the subject but I do think it was helpful, even if I was just experiencing a placebo effect. My sweet husband was at a loss for what to do when he came home from work. Since he runs his own business, we had decided he would take minimal time off and we both longed for more bonding time together. I would weep for what seemed like no reason and all he could do was hold me. Wanting to fix it and not understanding what "it" was, he became frustrated and a little distant as he was experiencing his own emotions about this big change in our life. The days he worked and I stayed home alone at the beginning were long. I felt guilty for not getting up and playing with my 2 year old more. I felt like a terrible mom for allowing her to watch multiple TV shows or movies a day. It seemed like all I could do was feed her, my baby, and myself before the day was over. Laundry piled up and I was changing an unbelievable amount of diapers. No joke, the baby pooped 4 times in a row one time. I would be attaching the diaper and he would let another one go. 4. Times. On top of the logistics and day to day living with two little people so dependent on me, the physical symptoms were a little disturbing. I would experience hot flashes, belly aches and cramps, and acne in areas I didn't know acne occurred. I started to get tension headaches a couple of weeks in that put me into more of a fog. Needless to say, I was just plain irritable. After a couple weeks of this, I wondered if I would ever come out the other side. I wondered if I would ever feel like I could catch up and do this 'mom' thing they way I always hoped and dreamed I could. I thought I was crazy for ever wanting more children. So many thoughts swirled in my head. Negative thoughts can really drag you down. I tried meditation and prayer in an effort to lose the toxic mind chatter and sometimes it helped, other times it felt pointless. The efforts were worth it though because when it helped, my days were brighter. Living each day with an intention of gratitude was the most important thing I did for myself. Gratitude for my healthy children. Gratitude for my hard working husband. Gratitude for my parents. Gratitude for my breath. I can honestly look back and say it was hard. Transitioning into life with a brand new baby is a challenge. Some have it more difficult than others but nobody gets off scot-free. Family members: if you want to help, ask what you can do and honor mom and dad's wishes around visits and requests. Partners: I urge you to be gentle with each other and spend time just holding one another in a loving embrace. Sometimes, all that is needed is a little physical affection and sometimes it's all you can do. Moms: seek out assistance. Ask family members, partners, friends, or neighbors to help you with meals, laundry, watching the older kids, whatever you need. You cannot do it all, especially by yourself. More than anything I hope you can remember and believe that it will get easier. Transitions and change are challenging. You will get better at managing everything that needs to be done. And sometimes, just realize it doesn't all need to get done. Let go. The baby will become easier and then harder again and you will find your confidence. It just takes practice and time. Give yourself some time. I'm on the other side and can tell you the fog will lift.
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